It’s springtime, and you know what that means: The school year is almost over. For our senior friends, this means the next stage of their life is beginning. They will graduate and suffer in all new kinds of ways. As for the rest of us who will be returning, we get to experience the best part of being an upper-level student in college: messing with first-years. While it’s important to create a welcoming environment for the new Hawks joining our Kettle, it’s way more fun to not do that. Here’s a list of things I’d like everyone to universally agree we’re going to lie about.
The Barbelin Dungeon: In the background of every sorority girl’s graduation photo lies St. Joe’s darkest secret. The Barbelin Dungeon sits in the depths of Barbelin Hall and was home to ancient rituals. Now, that’s where they keep the Hawk mascot, doomed to flap their wings in solitude until the next basketball game when they can see the outside world again.
The McShain Ghost: Yes, the rumors are true. A poor first-year stayed up for five days straight during finals week and unfortunately kicked the bucket. Now, she roams the halls of McShain. You can sometimes hear her cries from the showers since she’s stuck in a perpetual loop of writing a theology essay. If you ever spend all night studying and wake up to find you retained no information, you can blame the McShain Ghost.
Campion’s Secret Menu: If you ask for your Hawk Wrap “extra sloppy,” they’ll put in extra chicken for free! This also works in the cafeteria by asking the dining employees if they know who your dad is.
Barbelin’s Treasure: St. Joe’s first president, Felix-Joseph Barbelin, buried his fortune somewhere on Hawk Hill. Some say it’s under the big rock near the softball fields. Others say Sweeney Field was built over it. Better start digging before someone else finds it!
The Villiger Pool: If you’re lucky enough to get a room in St. Joe’s most modern residence hall (for now), you’re allowed full access to the Villiger pool and sauna. Just ask the front desk attendant for access and they’ll take your ID to let you in.
Starbucks Never Closes: You can go whenever you want! Studying late at night? Just make the hike over and get yourself your favorite mocha-macchiato-cream-whatever!
Yeah, You Can Bring Your Car: You don’t even need a parking pass if you’re a first-year.
This list is just to get you started. Make sure to be creative in your lies, but still plausible enough they have to think about it. They’re first-years, so they’ll probably believe anything. To our current sophomores and juniors, you should be trained in this art already. If not, you better start crafting your lies. To current first-years, the tradition of lying to your future peers now falls on you. Good luck.