Discussing the ways women interact with women
I have always found that I can be especially impatient when dealing
with “pick me” girls.
I am all but certain that every single person has experienced or witnessed a “pick me” girl in action. When engaging in conversation with this personality type, the “pick me” girl tends to overemphasize the traits which separate her from other women.
“You wear makeup and dress up for class? Oh my god, I could never, I just go for a more natural look.”
“You watch the show Friends? Ew, I’m not really into those girly shows.”
It seems as if their effort to establish themselves as different or “one of the boys” is merely a way to prove themselves to be better than other girls; belittling them for having fairly common likes and dislikes.
Conversations like these have routinely left me feeling on edge and self-conscious. I have even noticed myself straying away from things I like because it might be “too girly” or “too basic.” Even though most of the time these conversations are not intended to harm, I always find myself harboring resentment.
However, a closer look into the “I’m not like other girls” identity reveals that adopting this persona is not only toxic but cyclical: it causes women to turn on each other instead of addressing the deeper root cause—the subconscious desire for and pursuit of male acceptance.
A very simplified understanding of historically gendered oppression would suggest that we are merely following a pattern inscribed in us to seek the approval of the opposite sex—even if we don’t realize that we are. This becomes especially pointed in a patriarchal society—some glass ceilings have shattered, but the building is still entirely constructed of plexiglass.
There have been many big steps for women’s rights within the past decade, but we still exist within a social and cultural framework in which damages often go unnoticed. Even more damaging, the cycle is being continued by our own actions.
The problem lies within what the troupe communicates. We may think that making the statements which highlight our uniqueness is separating and prioritizing our identities, ideally to yield an increased desirability. However, it is crucial to consider why we want to do that. While it is natural to adopt certain behaviors when trying to impress someone, we must also consider the potential harm our actions have.
Something as simple as understanding our own rhetoric can alter the cyclical nature of belittling other women. “I’m not like other girls” is in itself, an inherently disparaging phrase. It equates stereotypically feminine traits and hobbies as negative—to be unlike them or to be like a guy, is to be better than a “regular” girl.
To combat this mentality requires a multifaceted approach, one that does not completely absolve all blame and responsibility from us. While it is especially important to recognize the societal influence which causes women to allow the assessment of the opposite gender to associate their self-worth, it is equally important to recognize toxic behavior within ourselves.
Above all else, we must acknowledge our own contribution to the negativity. We must learn to highlight our individuality without dismissing the personalities of others as lesser or unimportant.
Likewise, and perhaps the most difficult habit to correct, we need to exercise patience. The only way to make impactful changes is to work with each other instead of against each other.
Understanding that the desire to establish oneself as “not like other girls” is a deeply rooted social construction that many are unaware of will take some time. But it is a change that will benefit future generations of women more than we know.