Five ways to advocate for women
“‘I stopped moving my lips and turned cold.’”
These are the words of a woman pseudo-named Grace, the subject of an expose by Babe’s Katie Way on actor and writer Aziz Ansari. In the article, Grace describes her date with Ansari in New York and going back to his place. Ansari never forces Grace into intercourse, but in Way’s article, his behavior reads as coercive and unnecessarily aggressive.
Grace’s recollection of the night is chilling. But her story is not unusual. Sexual encounters amongst twenty-somethings are often filled with miscommunication, frustration and anxiety. However, these encounters are even more difficult in a world where women are socialized to act like meek prey; men like aggressive predators. Women are conditioned to be polite; men to think “no” means “yes.”
But all of us are learning, and we need to be able to talk to one another about our differences and what we have in common. The problem to focus on doesn’t have to be our labels or what divides us but how we treat one another. I ask all students – regardless of creed, belief, religion, race, gender or upbringing – to consider the following ways to advocate for women.
Get informed. A startling 17.7 million American women since 1998 are rape survivors, according to RAINN.
This reality is so deafening it can feel hard to unpack, which is why being informed on sexual misconduct involves more than just knowing statistics. Systemically ingrained sexual exploitation runs deep in our country’s history. Historically, in America, the term “rapist” was coined in the late 1800s and at the time functioned to perpetuate racism; marital rape was legal until states began reforming such laws in the 1980s. The term “sexual harassment” wasn’t used until 1975.
Our country’s failure to confront sexual misconduct continues to persist. If you don’t remember the numbers or dates in the timeline, remember this: today, violence against women continues to affect every woman on this campus in some form.
Recognize the effects of embedded sexual “norms.” From a young age, I was coached to follow certain rules in order to protect my sexuality. I remember my mother telling me the importance of not letting adults touch my “private parts,” and hearing frequent reminders not to trust strangers or put myself in vulnerable situations, lest anyone be predatorial or malicious.
These were the first moments I realized being a woman meant having a different set of rules. I was raised to be polite and a “good girl” in Catholic school. In my experience, I’ve found that this culture makes women fear being impolite or disrespectful, even when such fear may be detrimental to their safety or best interests. These underlying gender norms are more difficult to pinpoint than statistics, but they’re an important part of the conversation.
Rethink the way you use female-oriented language. Many of the expletives used in conversations are rooted in the exploitation of women’s bodies and sexuality. It’s not unusual to hear the words slutty or fuck in conversation. If you’re looking to insult a woman and use a swear word, there appear to be endless possibilities.
Exploiting female genitalia, and making it crude, is used to degrade women and shame them. For example, the word “cunt” means “the vulva or vagina.” In the word’s entry, Dictionary.com has a usage alert that says: “the meanings that refer to a woman and a contemptible person are used with disparaging intent and are perceived as highly insulting and demeaning.” If Dictionary.com understands the grossness of such language, why can’t we? And yet, these terms that distort and condemn natural bodies continue to thrive in a language with over 170,000 active words in it, according to the Oxford Dictionary. Think before you speak. Words matter.
Recognize that human rights include sexual rights. If it’s easier to think of women’s rights as simply human rights, then please do. Regardless of gender, everyone on this planet has inalienable rights, including bodily autonomy and sexual rights.
Advocating for human rights means acknowledging the importance of consensual sexual encounters, and being aware of the rights denied to women in society. Safe, enjoyable sex requires affirmative consent by both parties to each part of the encounter. It is up to each one of us to communicate with our partners before, during, and after sex to ensure they want to continue.
As the Ansari story revealed, we are all capable of doing things to hurt others, even if we may not realize it in the moment. Respecting others and their boundaries is not an option but an obligation. The final verdict is this: during sex, your partner should feel heard and empowered. If someone feels violated, then they are, period.
Listen. To advocate for others, we have to listen to their stories. Being empathetic to others and hearing them when no one else does is an essential part of living greater. Women may have struggled more in the past, but they are still struggling today and striving towards better futures, equal rights and inclusivity. Whoever you are, remember to listen. It may be the best thing you can do.