This column is for anyone interested in becoming a Philly sports fan. You may have never been interested in sports before, and came to St. Joe’s not realizing that Philadelphia’s infrastructure relies solely on their teams’ abilities to win. Or, maybe you’re a fan of another team who wants to protect yourself. Either way, here is an easy guide to catch you up to speed on all things Philly sports so when someone asks you to name five players, you won’t look like a total jabroni.
The Phillies: If you’re not a sports fan, you may have shunned baseball in the past. It was once a long and boring game. The unofficial anthem of the sport even asks you to buy foods like peanuts and Cracker Jack. Peanuts, so you can entertain yourself at the game by breaking the shells, and Cracker Jack, because this sport is so old, its creation coincides with the time when people actually ate Cracker Jack. However, by giving it another try after recent rule changes to the pitch clock, you’ll discover a much faster-paced and more exciting game. The once tiring, four-hour affair has shrunk to a mere three and a half hours. Also, some crucial information to know is: Bryce Harper is awesome, Trea Turner is awesome, Kyle Schwarber is awesome, J.T. Realmuto is awesome, Alec Bohm is awesome and…they also all suck.
The Flyers: This is the team with Gritty. Now, hockey is an amazing sport because it’s the only sport that lets players punch each other, except, of course, the UFC. However, the best-kept secret with hockey is no one actually watches the games. I don’t even know if they actually play real games. All the fans just pretend they do. So, if anyone asks you to name five Flyers players, just say some French or Russian sounding names, and they’ll get off your back. I mean, you’re telling me there’s a guy who plays for the Flyers named Morgan FROST? That just sounds made up. If the name sounds like a guy who would play hockey, he probably does. For example: Did you see Alexandre Tremblay-Dubois’ game-winning goal last night? See? No one will know.
The 76ers: This team has recently gone through some hard times, some terrible times, some incredibly painful times and also some difficult times. Currently, they are winning a lot of games and will probably lose in the playoffs again, breaking all their fans’ hearts in the process. Luckily, you won’t need to know a lot of names for this team since only Joel Embiid and Tyrese Maxey ever do anything. However, if you ever need to be mad at someone for a loss, just blame the name “Ben Simmons” since he ruined my life.
The Union: Don’t worry about this one.
The Eagles: This is the most important team to know. Jalen Hurts, QB1, our glorious leader. Jason Kelce paving the way at center. Jake Elliott kicking absolute bombs. Coach Sirianni to lead them all. Philadelphians love their Birds. Except when they are not winning a game. Then we hate them, wanting everyone cut or fired and the stadium razed.
So there you have it — an easy guide to being a Philadelphia sports fan. Always remember, while we may hate our teams sometimes, we will ALWAYS hate every other team and their fans so much more, in true Philly sports fashion.