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Aliens delay apocalypse for Earth

A satire about rising tensions

The inhabitants of the planet Nibiru have delayed plans to destroy the planet Earth. Originally intending to annihilate the blue planet on Sept. 23,  Nibiru’s leader, King Trogelmorf, explained the abrupt three week delay in a statement released on Saturday.

“We made contact with the Earthling David Meade so that the planet would at least have some idea that we were coming,” His Tentacle-iness said. “The messages had been hidden in their holy texts for millennia, so we have obviously been planning this for a long time. Long have we waited to eliminate this race from the universe. But then we were keeping an eye on the local news and realized that North Korea and the United States might just finish the planet off for us, so we are no longer very willing to bother wasting the energy.”

Many members of the blue-skinned alien race expressed profound disappointment at their lost opportunity to destroy Earth. However, some of the more pragmatic Nibiruans were pleased with the outcome.

“We actually are saving a lot of resources through this change of plans,” Nibiruan Minister of the Economy Blexgord explained. “This has been a challenging fiscal year for Nibiru, and I for one am genuinely grateful for this opportunity to cut costs while still getting to relish in the complete decimation of the human race.”

Meanwhile, on Earth, Meade, who predicted the original date of our impending doom using Bible verses, expressed some embarrassment at the delayed apocalypse, saying that it was “totally not cool” for the inhabitants of Nibiru to so suddenly change plans.

“Honestly, at this point I just wish Nibiru, or North Korea or someone would just destroy the planet,” claimed the announcer of the our rapidly approaching Armageddon. “This is pretty embarrassing and I really can’t stand in this spotlight for much longer. Can we literally just get this over with?”

King Trogelmorf explained that the three-week delay would likely give his race enough time to see what would happen with the increasing tensions between the United States and North Korea.

“We’re just gonna see how this whole North Korea thing pans out,” Trogelmorf said. “Worst case scenario, we can destroy the human race in a few weeks on our own terms. But for now, we are happy to just wait and see.”

When asked to respond to NASA’s comments that the planet of Nibiru is “not real,” King Trogelmorf refused to comment except to say, “It’s pretty hurtful to not recognize us as a planet. It’s the whole Pluto situation all over again. I can’t wait until this whole planetary destruction is behind us so we can move on.”

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Alex Gill

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